Having been raised by a single mother, I have had the privilege of experiencing firsthand the true meaning of resilience, undeniable strength and boundless love.
Single parents are on a journey full of loneliness, sacrifice for their children and external attacks we cannot comprehend, for life outcomes that are beyond them.
And truthfully, I never quite understood how much our parents’ struggles, life lessons and wisdom impacts our journeys until I started dating and got a family of my own.
Nonetheless, seeing how well we all turned out, as I commend my mum for doing the best with the life presented to her, I have to commend all single parents who are single handedly doing it all.
The beauty about single parenting, is their relationship with their children.
My single mother is home for us, our voice of reason and our guide. In her openess we learnt to be equally open with our lives.
So there are lessons we have learnt from her life and from the well of knowledge she instilled in us.
But notably over the years I did see the pressure my mum had on her shoulders, most of which I knew I couldn’t handle even with half the grace she had.
Now being married and a parent i have come to appreciate her journey, even more so i fully understand the burdens she had to carry and only now do i get the meaning to some life lessons she imparted on us
This post is aimed at breaking stereotypes on single parenting and embracing lessons and insights on navigating life complexities and exploring life lessons from a single mother’s perspective.
On Self -Love
1. Love and Appreciate yourself:
Everybody else can leave but you can’t leave yourself.
I knew mum had her low days, but I never heard her dismiss herself or say demeaning words.
But what i admired the most, is she knew her limits, she was unwilling to let anybody make her life miserable.
2. Keep your Faith:
Mum always defined prayer as the go to, when angry, happy, sad, on the last straw, even for answers. Her outlet was and still is prayer.
There are days I have wondered how she still believes and never gives up despite all she’s been through.
Yet she says “know the God you serve and no problem will ever keep you from Him”.
3. Do not look like your problems:
Dress well, eat well and till this day mum’s closet is to die for, i still pick up a few things when i visit.
Even when the budget was tight my mum would always get money for our hair and on those days she got a loan and we knew we were definitely getting new clothes.
In school I had people thinking I came from a well -off family and my answer “the grace is sufficient” because it was.
4. Seek help:
It may have taken years, but seeing my single mum take therapy motivates me that it’s never too late to work on yourself.
On Dating
5. Listen to what a man says, do not be too quick to make assumptions:
Take a man’s word serious, least it becomes a point of reference.
The truth is in the words.
My mum would always say if she listened she would have made a better choice of a life partner.
6. Pray for your partner even before you know them:
Our parents did not know the value of this, but marriage is the biggest decision you’ll ever make in life, you can not make a wrong choice.
For this you will need divine help.
As soon as you comprehend that marriage is something you desire, get on your knees and pray for that person wherever they are
7. Listen to your gut feeling:
If there is discomfort, you should flee, Leave sooner than later.
Sometimes dilly dalling will get you into more confusion than you can anticipate.
On Marriage
8. Appreciate the person you are with:
They are someone else’s prayer request.
They are also your lifetime choice, so appreciate them for who they are, love them and give the relationship your best.
Never be the reason your relationship ended. If they leave let them remember you.
9. Avoid altercations:
It takes one of you to keep quiet during a fight to keep a relationship.
Accept and apologise when you are wrong.
Communicate instead of turning molehills into mountains
10. Disagreements are common in marriage:
Do not let the small struggles of life lead you to leave prematurely.
My single mother would always use the simple analogy that, *two plough heads bundled together will always knock” this is to mean that, when two people live together disagreements will occur.
When you can come to terms with these, marriage disagreements will never feel defining.
11. Respect is paramount:
I have come to appreciate the fact that I’d rather be respected than loved, because even when love leaves, respect is left and when there’s love, respect will always be present.
So my single mother would always tell us when you feel that respect has left a relationship, you are allowed to leave as well.
12. You don’t want to live alone:
No matter what you think now, you don’t want to do life alone.
When we are young, we tend to believe that we can do life by ourselves pushing the notion that relationships are not a must.
As much as you won’t die from loneliness, life is easier and more fun when you have someone to do it with, to hold you down and to always have your back.
13. Silent treatment is never an option:
My single mother would always insist that alot is avoided through conversations.
Silent treatment is painful and unnecessary.
Throwing things under the rug is never an option, communication will always be the way out.
You will have a very heated argument and a minute later converse about other things.
14. Stop revisting issues already discussed:
Do not keep bringing up issues that have been talked about and laid to rest, if you forgive, forgivefully.
This was a common issue in my marriage and discussing it with my single mum i have come to appreciate that fact.
The reason your spouse isn’t communicating as much is probably because you’ll end up bringing up already discussed issues which maybe hurtful and annoying.
On Parenting
15. Parenting alone is hard at every level:
I have probably at some point thought that if push comes to shove i could totally parent alone.
But my single mum was always keen on telling us that some days are sad like when your child fails at a goal or painful like when the child is sick.
Other days are happy like when they outdo themselves and in every step both parents are needed and will have a role to play
16. Divorce means you stopped being a spouse not a parent:
If it ever gets to a point and the relationship does not work.
It is the spouse that you leave but the children will always be your responsibility, so both parents are to religiously play their role.
Children do not have to pay for your mistakes.
17. Do not have a child with an idiot:
This may sound harsh but I have seen lives destroyed because of coparenting with the wrong person, constant fights, children dealing with neglect and rejection.
Heck you probably can think of one person you dated who would have been a headache co-parent.
Simply, children can’t choose their parents but you can choose for them.
18. Have children on your own terms:
Raising kids is not an easy task, it will test you emotionally, mentally, financially and physically.
When you are ready it will be easier and you can give your very best to your children, but if you get children from societal pressure, it will bend you and test you.
On finances
19. Do not give up your financial independence, it’s like trading your power:
My single mother would always drill into us the importance of financial independence, we’d call it the “get out stash”.
When you can hold your own, respect is attracted that is true even in relationships.
If you by any chance, allow another person to finance you or be incharge of your finances,you will be trading your power.
20. Always have a personal independent account just for yourself:
Most couples will have a joint account, which is definitely advisable.
However, at the end of the day, you are both independent beings, so you will need to have cash you can access for your personal needs without having to touch bases with your spouse or mishandling joint finances.
21. Invest at every chance:
When we are young we tend to earn and finance our lifestyles without thinking much about the future.
My single mother was always keen on teaching us on investing early, she started investing abit late in life and she wanted her children to do better in life.
So based on the current investment opportunities, invest for a secure future at every opportunity you can.
Needless to say, single parents are the epitome of “having your back no matter what” and theres alot we could learn from their strength and resourcefulness.
I also believe with these life lessons we could all do better and teach our children someamaizing life lessons that could change their lives as well.