Settling in love is one thing we do not want, as it takes away from the fullness of life and is one of those things that years later, you’ll always have the constant * what if.
When it comes to finding love, happily ever after is the goal, but what if the pursuit leads to settling for less than.
In this blog we will indulge into the subtle feeling of being trapped in love.
We will highlight ways to recognize, if you are settling in love, we will also define the differences between settling and compromise, how much is too much.
What is settling in love
Settling in a relationship simply means accepting less than you think you deserve from a partner.
Take Stacy for example she’s a calm, introverted young woman who took time to work on herself in her 20’s, she’s built a career, bought a house, worked on her faith and emotional intelligence.
When she got into her 30’s, family and society pressures on companionship and marriage was more forthcoming and she couldn’t agree more, it was time for her to settle down.
The dating pool however wasn’t as pleasing as she would expect but along the way she met Alex.
Alex is a free spirit, extroverted, comes from a well off family and simply figures life as it goes.
Though Alex is nice, loving and has an exciting sense of adventure, he still lacks ambition, shared interests and is raised in a family dynamic where he’s used to getting things done for him which makes him quite dependent on Stacy’s validation.
He is honest on not having a family any time soon, and it doesn’t help that Alex is 3 years younger than Stacy.
At first Stacy brushed the differences with the hope that love conquers all.
She also felt that, at her age, maybe she was expecting a little too much.
But, over the months despite the effort made by both parties, she can’t help but feel dissatisfied, constantly annoyed and uncomfortable with her choice of a partner.
She’s well aware that she may have settled for a relationship that didn’t quite meet her expectations.
Regardless, this will be at the detriment of hers and Alex’s happiness as individuals.
Needless to say relationships are meant to provide a wholesome experience and at times this will need you to be teachable by compromising on certain things.
When the compromise is too much then you most probably are settling.
If you are torn on the difference between compromise and settling, here’s a list of 20 clear indicators that you are settling in love and it may not lead to the happily ever after you are hoping for.
Related: 25 Alarming Red Flags to Look Out for in a Relationship: Your Guide to a Healthy Partnership
1. You are Constantly Hoping for Change
Are you with a partner that you are hoping can change or you keep reminding them about things you don’t like and things you want them to do differently.
When it comes to love, accept your partner as they are not what they could be.
If they are not what you could live with for life, allow them to be with someone that could appreciate them as they are.
2. Ignoring/ Redefining Red Flags
There are things that were deal breakers in previous relationships but now you seem to be bothered by them but instead of addressing it you assume them.
Sometimes you even find yourself validating these actions just to exonerate your partner and make them seem not so bad.
3. Feeling Trapped
You feel at a chokehold everytime you think about your relationship, as you can’t imagine a future with your partner.
If your most reasonable reason for being in the relationship is the fear of being alone or outside pressure to be hitched, you are definetly settling in love
4. You have become Resentful
Are you displeased with your partner for certain needs and expectations that they are not meeting?
Most things they do seem annoying and not as per.
5. Loss of Identity
You probably feel like you can no longer define who you are as an individual.
If your goals and values are eroded within the relationship and outside the relationship you can not identify with those ideals that made you who you are, then you maybe settling in love.
6. Lack of Support
You feel unsupported.
Your partner is not able to provide the support you need to grow emotionally or mentally.
At times, it could be because they are not aligned with your goal or they simply do not agree with your direction.
7. You Feel Lonely
Are you in a relationship but are constantly feeling alone even in the presence of your partner?
Settling in love sometimes feels like a shadow of loneliness cast over the relationship, where conversations feel transactional.
There is simply nothing weaving the two of you together.
8. Constant Comparing
Do you find yourself constantly comparing your relationship to other people’s relationships or to previous relationships you’ve had.
You probably feel that your relationship falls short in most ways.
9. Unequal Effort
You feel like you keep putting too much in the relationship and end up receiving little to nothing.
It’s good to understand that in a relationship there are days one partner will give more than the other.
But, if you are always the giver in every aspect, there is a high chance you could be settling in love and it could end up making you resentful.
10. Diminishing Self Esteem
If your partner constantly makes you doubt yourself.
They are belittling you and putting you in a position where you doubt your capabilities.
Simply if you feel like since joining the relationship your self esteem has lowered. Then you probably are settling in love, for a lot less than you should.
11. Seeking Validation
Are you over reliant on your partner for approval or vice versa?
Constantly seeking validation and reassurance from a partner on decisions, choices and personal pursuits, is a clear indication both of you could be settling in love.
At this point your partner is overwhelmed by your overreliance while you are unable to function apart from them.
This could stem up from past experiences which you need to work on before getting into any relationship.
12. Constant Conflicts
Are you walking on eggshells in your relationship?
You feel like your partner is unable to see your point of view and vice versa.
Conversations always end in conflict and tension, then you could be settling in love.
13. Feeling Resigned
Do you feeling like you have no option but to accept your unhappy circumstances?
You feel resigned to accept your circumstances as a norm but in hindsight its overwhelming that this could be your lifetime reality.
Love is a choice. You should be happy and content with the person you choose to do life with but if it feels like they are the only choice you have but wish you could make a different one.
Then you are settling in love and life is too short to be unhappy.
14. Inconsistent Behaviour from a partner
If your partner is unpredictable and unreliable then you are definitely settling in love.
Relationships are a partnership where you can rely on each other in all circumstances
When you are with someone who makes you unsure about your position in their life, it is time to rethink the relationship.
15. One Sided Compromising
You feel like you are the only one making changes and compromising while your partner is unwilling to make any compromises for the relationship.
Relationships are all about being teachable on both ends.
If the relationship is based on you changing so much about yourself that it feels like you are losing your identity then you are definitely settling in love.
16. Dreading Time Together
There are times we get into relationships we know we shouldn’t be in, just because society expects us to or the other person is just a good person.
If your partner gives you the irk and you just can’t entertain any romantic thoughts about them, then you are settling love.
Relationships are all about enjoying each other’s company.
17. Creating Room for Other Relationships
Are you in a relationship but open to meeting new people and ready to pursue a more serious relationship, then you are settling in love.
Love is not as complicated as we make it seem, when you love someone they are all you want and you wouldn’t want to jeopardise the relationship.
18. Disrespect
If you are with a partner that talks down on you, is rude and arrogant to you or abusive then you are definitely settling in love.
Love is kind and is not meant to be painful, so when it is, then its not worth the effort.
19. Feeling Unappreciated
Are you in a relation and feeling no matter what you do it is never really appreciated, to some point it does lead to resentment and frustration.
When in a relationship, we have the need to feel loved and valued and when you always have the need to prove yourself but still feel unvalued then you are settling in love.
20. Feeling disconnected
Feeling disconnected in a relationship can be quite unsettling.
This can be in lack of shared interests, no communication and intimacy or the aspects of life getting in the way of a thriving relationship.
If you have nothing in common and every effort to create common interests and provide a more fulfilling relationship seems futile, then you are probably settling for less in that relationship.
Settling vs. Compromise: 10 Clear Difference in a Relationships
Compromise Settling
Adjusting expectations so as to find a balance in the relationship. |
Lowering one’s expectations for reality’s sake. |
There is mutual respect and understanding. |
You are dissatisfied and resentful |
Leads to finding a common ground. |
Leads to unmet needs. |
Stems from mutual agreement and benefit. |
Comes from resignation or the fear of being alone |
Both partners make mutual sacrifice. |
One partner sacrifices alot more |
Constant open and honest communication. |
Conversation avoidance |
Forsters a supportive environment for growth together and individually. |
Discourages individual growth |
Promotes contentment where both parties feel valued |
There’s a lack of contentment |
Promotes a healthy sense of self-worth. |
Leads to a sense of low self-worth |
Conflict is resolved through respectful communication |
There’s conflict avoidance |
The relationship is of great quality frosted by mutual cooperation. |
Very low quality of the relationship |